After my big social media purge (probably up to ~700 people all told by now), I’ve still been trying to avoid it. I hardly log on to Facebook…maybe once a week, at most. I hit tumblr 1-2 times a week just to catch up on some philosophical/cultural blogs I follow, and twitter – pretty much never…1-2 times a year?
But happenstance being what it is, I made a dumb comment on a friend’s FB about something that spiraled way beyond where I wanted it to go. Not too long afterwards, following a botched attempt at an apology for a small social bush-fire I was ultimately responsible for igniting, we got to talking a bit…and as this is someone who’s known me on and and off for 20 years, they also know some of the demons in my head. We’ve chatted a bit about related things, but just the other night, after a (for me) lite-to-normal self-deprecating comment, they posed a really good question:
“[W]hat do you get out of this sort of thing? …what is it doing for you? Think about that expansively. Think about how you do it, where you do it, and the like”
About 7 minutes later I’d typed a small essay, so it was clearly a good thought-provoking question. I decided to add it here, since this is where I write about this sort of thing in my life, right? To try and put it in text so I can stand back and examine it, so…
Most of the time it just feels like a statement of fact based on what is now 2 decades of empirical evidence.
I even once tried to chart stuff in an excel document in a weird attempt to generate some sort of graph that made sense. I did this to see whether or not, when I take a step back in attempting to think about my situation while removing emotional bias, there were actual trends based on year, season, whether I was in-school or not, working or not, gaming or not, etc. It turned into a jumbled mess and was unfortunately lost 2 laptops ago when the HD fried, but even more unfortunately showed that there are a lot of things that I’ve tried – different therapists, solo therapy, group therapy, “intensive” therapy, even physical therapy (in case endorphins could help); medications of different strengths, families, and combinations; cognitive behavioral training, sensory association, meditation…I had started seeing a therapist who did EMDR before the bottom fell out on stuff last year and I had to stop therapy for practical reasons. I’ve honestly tried a *ton* of things…and nothing has worked. I’m on the medication cocktail that (most of the time) keeps me from having major breakdowns, and that’s about it. Until my sleep issues get fixed, I can’t go back to therapy or risk getting “fired” as a client (which, since so few places accept my insurance, those are bridges I know I cannot afford to burn for if/when I do get my sleep issues sorted out).
(And yes, I’m still working with my physician and psychiatrist on ways to work the sleep issues – covid is slamming both of them and their practices hard, though, so it’ll be a bit before my next appointment)
It’s also cost-benefit analysis. There is nothing in this world that is an infinite resource, including mental/emotional bandwidth and scheduled time with professionals. Once I’ve identified that things are not working, and then still try past that, and find I’m getting frustrated by my own lack of progress (up or down) because of it, I would rather see those resources go to people waiting in line who might be better served by them than beat my head against a proverbial wall while others are also in need of help.
In a weird way, doing that helps me cope, at least temporarily. My crisis response is to see who around me needs help – if it’s someone who needs something I can do, I just do it. If it’s someone who needs something I can’t, I see who/what I know to get that person where they need to be for help. It’s come out a lot more acutely since March of this year – it’s pretty much all I’ve been doing, in fact – helping people and running games to help distract people and recharge their mental batteries. It gives me something to focus on that isn’t me…because when I’m alone with myself, I am not a fan of the company and would rather be anywhere else – difficult proposition even without a pandemic restricting movement/travel/social interactions, heh.
There are some things about my life I’ve made a fragile peace with. But there are large swaths of it that I look back upon and hate things that I’ve said, done, and even thought about at the time. I know I can’t go back in time and change those, so all I can do is try to force myself to be vigilant about those behaviors in the future.
As for how and where? The best way to answer that would simply be, “yes.”
I do it everywhere, and all the time. If I see a situation where somebody is in need, and could benefit from help that I can either provide myself or provide by removing myself as a potential roadblock between them and the thing that can give them succor? I’ll typically do it without a second thought.
Putting myself down in the same breath has just become an automatic thing over the last 20+ years, apparently. It’s one part reminder that this is “not normal” and I should not be happy when bad things occur, one part reminder to be vigilant against making it worse, and one part venting my constant frustration at my own behavior(s). Sometimes that frustration is replaced by red-hot anger, yes, but usually always aimed at myself, and unless I’m very unlucky I can usually keep from audible outbursts when in the presence of others.
I once debated whether or not I was developing a martyr complex or something along those lines…but I think I’m safe from that one, at least. I actively don’t want people to know what I’m going through. I don’t want others to spend time or resources (now or after I’m gone, whenever that may be) trying to do things to help that, simply put, won’t help. If I can ever discover a therapy, medication, procedure, or something to alleviate my situation? I will absolutely take it. But beating my head against the wall doesn’t help anybody, and probably makes things worse on multiple levels. I would rather those resources go to people who would benefit from them, until I figure out what would actually help me.
There is an ever-growing possibility that there simply isn’t anything, though. And that’s one of the main things I’ve been trying to get my brain to figure out and make peace with.
“Sick of myself my world my life
Gemini Syndrome, “Mourning Star”
Get out of my way this truth can’t lie
I stop myself every second I try
Every minute of time is an hour I die”
Living Undead 