Ashes

Is it possible to kill yourself through finding inner peace? Maybe I’m on the path towards finding out.

I might have described the last couple of weeks as a bit of an emotional roller coaster, except that I’ve managed to keep my emotions in check…most of the time. My living situation has worsened, despite looking “on paper” as it were that it has improved. My skills at community management have slipped and now I’m dealing with the fallout from being everybody’s buddy to the point that problems have brewed that I missed that will probably require me to hurt somebody’s feelings before things are said and done (and given that its 1-2 people whose attitude is unknowingly hurting the enjoyment of almost a dozen others, this is probably going to end up being a “good of the many > good of the few” situation) and I’ll have to be an asshole to somebody before it’s all said and done.

Something I predicted awhile ago has started to come to pass, as well. More of the things that I used to enjoy have, well, stopped being as fulfilling as they used to be. I always found playing tabletop RPGs to be a stress-relieving activity, and GMing/running those games to be stress-relieving or stress-neutral as well as creatively fulfilling (especially once I started mixing custom soundtracks to them). In the last few weeks, though, I’ve found my desire to play has somewhat lessened. In addition, while I do still enjoy mixing soundtracks and sharing them with friends, running games for people has been losing its luster, a bit. Many months ago, long before starting this journal, when I noticed that I had lost interest in movies and other things, I knew that this would be a question of when and not if this would start happening here, too.

And yet, strangely, I’m not worried.

I understand it, to a point.

I had a six-month check up at my doctor’s office not long ago, and my blood pressure and weight were both at the lowest they’ve been in a long time – and my usual reaction to stress/worry shows as an increase in both. I even found myself able to do a little bit of meditation for the first time in probably decades. It reminded me of one of the images from my “zen” collection:

As winter teases us with its approach, I’ve wondered if I could find a place locally where I could just sit out in the cold, listen to some music, and just breathe. Hilariously, that would also be the recipe for one of the only ways of killing myself I’ve considered to be “acceptable” – freezing to death (relatively painless, gentle, and numerous opportunities to change one’s mind if needed). Not that southern Indiana is likely to see the temperatures required for such a thing any time soon, for better or worse.

My situation reminds me of a line from one of the last movies I ever bought on DVD (which I loaned to a friend before moving away from Illinois, but decided that I didn’t want to bother them about getting it back, so the movie lives in my head now) –

“Sometimes life has a way of moving you past things like wants and hopes.”

Tron: Legacy

I used to associate with this saying in a depressed, “sour grapes” sort of way, figuring that my life has spiraled away so far that I’m in no position to wish or want for anything. Now, though, I think I understand it better in the more Daoist mindset that it was meant (especially for the character). Maybe I’m actually finding an odd sort of balance in all of this, after all. When the first few acts of the aforementioned community issues started to make themselves known, I was annoyed at first, but very quickly afterward I realized that in the grand scheme of things, however I handled it wasn’t going to affect me personally. Could it be frustrating? Could it affect how I’m viewed by some of the people in my local community? Yes on both counts, but in that same breath I’m not sure that I care enough to get worked up over it.

In that moment, I did something that would have actually given me something akin to a panic attack a decade or so ago (who am I kidding…even a few years ago this might have made me hyperventilate) – I went into Facebook and simply removed all of the people involved from my personal friends list (not from the community pages or anything). I revisited that decision the next morning, and found that not only was I not worried, it felt liberating to be not worrying. I spent the next few hours looking through my social media pages, FB and otherwise, and who I was connected to on there, and who I actually wanted to be connected with. For some of them, I was keeping in touch with an eye towards the future – professors or classmates I got along with who could be good references down the line, etc., but that ship in particular set sail long ago (striking a reef and sinking, but hey – one less thing to worry about). For others, I took some time to assess how we knew each other, and how well they would react if they actually heard what my life was like, now. For 90% of those who I knew would be uncomfortable, and for whom I had no strong attachment holding me back, I also let go. In the end, everyone is going to be better off on this path. If my road leads to ruin, the impact on them will be lessened. If I find inner peace and continue as I am, they won’t have to worry about me. If I suddenly win the spiritual lottery (I couldn’t win the monetary one since I don’t play it), we can always reconnect later. Win-win-win.

A few hours later, I’ve reduced my Facebook by 300+ people, and my less-public social media page to under 30. It’s been two days since doing all of that, and I still feel okay with the decision and nobody who I’ve stepped away from seems to have brought up any distraught feelings. So far, so good.

I will admit that there were a couple of tough choices in there. A few people whose mere profile picture reminded me of a lot of things. Some triumphs, but mostly moments of epic failures and moronic immaturity in my past. I think about where I was even 7 years ago when I first moved to Indiana, and how different I am – I think some of those people I left behind on social media might not even recognize me now versus who they knew the last time we spoke. And, in the end, that’s okay. People change – it’s part of life.

One or two of those in particular did strike some painful heartstrings, but to my surprise I was fine a few breaths later. I’m iffy about using “Zen” as a verb, but I’m not sure I’d call whatever I did “focus” – so it’s somewhere in the middle, there. With one of those, I was reminded of part of a song (I’m not a fan of the first 75% of the song, which is in the “screamo” genre, but apparently I am not alone in this because somebody made a YouTube video of just the last 25% which could be a complete song in and of itself, I think)…

One part in particular I want to highlight:

“And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is
A reminder of what I’ll never have
I’ll never have… I’ll never…
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.”

Like so many other things in this rambling journal of mine, I can never share the above with the people to whom it applies. They would take it differently than how it was meant.

While I may have felt heartbreak in the past, I’ve learned and adapted as a result of it, and I think I may finally be making peace with it.