Stark

“I have nothing to say, but I feel like my mouth is open.”

Ill Nino, “What Comes Around”

I had an idea for some stuff I wanted to get out of my head and into this space a couple of days ago…pulled poignant quotations (Shakespeare, Blake, Styron, even Seneca)…and then, nothing.

This was immediately followed by several unforced errors:

First, despite the fact that I hadn’t seen my psychiatrist in over 2 months (and won’t for 2+ more), failed to tell her everything that was on my mind, mostly on account of my “protector” instinct / white-knight syndrome (some day I’ll re-write my small treatise on how most people who think they know what that is are actually just passive-aggressive emotional predators) flaring up. My doctor was being observed by a very friendly and attractive medical (?) student, and as I mentally scanned through what I wanted to talk about, I decided that this person was not being paid nearly enough to hear the dribble that was poised to spill out of my head.

“Beauty is unbearable, drives us to despair, offering us for a minute the glimpse of an eternity that we should like to stretch out over the whole of time.”

Albert Camus

I also managed to screw up some scheduling things, so now I’ve over-booked myself for the next several days when I’d frankly just rather find some dark cold corner to hide in.

I managed not one, not two, but three “foot-in-mouth/keyboard” incidents in the last 24 hours that make me really pissed off at myself…one of these might prove to be a serious screw up, but I guess time will tell.

As if my negative accolades today weren’t enough, I broke down and shared this space with someone, cursing them to read and know all of this crap that I’ve been tying so hard to hide and deal with so as not to overburden my friends and family. I may have also accidentally posted a link to this page some place where members of my local gaming community might see it…hopefully my numerous requests to have those posts expunged are read before the posts themselves are moderated/set for public-view.

My sleep schedule is its normal lovely (out of whack) self…and I think I’ve identified more people in my life who I’ve already pushed too far to ever get back (I’m so pathetic right now that I can’t even be bothered to find and link to the journal entry I made here describing all of that for the first time). …Hell, even doing music work isn’t calming me down tonight, and that’s one of those “last things” I had been enjoying…

I still don’t know how to start talking about things I wanted to write about, rather falling back into the “woe is me” bit, even though I’m still in that weird zen-like state where I know I’m fucking up left and right but I can’t even get emotionally worked up over it. I am apparently just doomed to continue this way, like Sisyphus, just not even remotely as happy as Camus portrayed him. Just…here…with nothing going right.

“The only real progress lies in learning to be wrong all alone.”

Albert Camus

(Apparently I found a couple of quotes to use here after all)